i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
