He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
