I hope mine doesn't look like that
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
