the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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