I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
