he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
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