my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
