i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
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