Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
