Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Randomize
