I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
