I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
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