there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
as a side note pls kill me
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
