and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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