barbara walters just said penis...
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
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