Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
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