Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
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