She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
