Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Randomize
