i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Randomize
