The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
