I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Randomize
