We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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