Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
