Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
i wish my penis had a tongue
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
