she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
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