he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
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