My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
jump out the window naked night went bad
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
