I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
