see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Randomize
