Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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