is your mom at the bar?
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
