so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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