Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
