i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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