These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
