In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
