I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I deserve this hangover.
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