I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
