i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
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