I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
why would she put his p in her m after it was in her a? that's gross
its gross she let him put his p in her a nevermind his p in her m after p in her v. cleaning up is necessary
i put my m on your v after my p was in your v. no big deal
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Randomize
