Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
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