Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
