Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
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