I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
