Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
