and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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