I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Randomize
