are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
im about as happy as oj after his trial
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
