I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
How does it feel to date your dad?
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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