My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Life is so much better after having sex.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
