She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
