i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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