Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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